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Tales of Hoffman
'''Paris, France ''You are currently standing at the wide park surrounding the Eiffel Tower, Paris's most prominent landmark. Streets extend into the surrounding buildings, with the French driving their characteristically reckless way. Off in the distance you can even make out the towers of Notre Dame. Across the Parisian sky streaks a familiar sight to french people. A croissant. But this is no ordinary pasty snack - this one is gigantic and blue and metal and flying in the air, for it is in fact the evil form of Blueshift, not a delicious foodstuff to be heated and eaten with jam. "Soon!" he emits to his fellows. "Soon we will arrive at the Museum Of Modern Thing and steal... ...THE HOFFMAN BICYCLE!" MEANWHILE THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART FRANCE Hot Spot strolls around the courtyard of the museum, unable to fit inside because he is a giant transforming fire truck. "I don't know why I assigned myself this security detail," he grumps. "Intelligence said that the Decepticons might try to attack this place, but it's been so quiet all day. And when I was idling in my fire truck mode, they thought I was some sort of avant-garde sculpture... curse this blue paint job!" Hot Spot sighs, resignedly. "Maybe I should have left this job for Groove." A wood-paneled Starfighter flies lazily next to Blueshift. "I'm sure you made that up, bicycles haven't existed since they were all recycled into SUVs during the great SUV Crisis of 2009. What with all of the gas the humans found in Alaska. Too bad they had to cancel Alaskan Polar Bears Parade by Riflepoint, though, it was the best avant garde Curelty to Animals Theatre Troupe that ever existed on this planet, Blue Blackshift." "I don't understand" Fulcrum says, as he surfs the croissant towards France, having claimed that he is currently unable to transform due to an unusual form of Cosmic rust. Really he is just lazy. SO LAZY. "Who is Hoffman, and why do we require his bicycle?" Blueshift transforms, floating in midair as he uses his sword to point out the Museum of Modern Art/Things. "No Pitchfork!" he shouts, letting Fulcrum tumble off to his doom. "One such contraption escaped the Bicycle Purge of 2013 where the masses rose up against their biwheeled oppressors. The Hoffman bicycle!" He waves a pamphlet at Fulcrum. "In 1943, the chemist Albert Hoffman discovered a chemical known as LSD. He absorbed a small amount of it, and feeling no ill effects cycled home. On that journey, it kicked in, opening his consciousness to new planes of being! That ride was the first, and the bicycle still contains the raw power embedded in it! If we can capture it, we can unleash its power and destroy the Autobots forever!" "I told you there s NO BICYCLE. Though I just did some research by which I mean I read this blog about re-using old exo-suits and turning them into porta-potties for Mexican laborers, and my research tells me that only the bicycle's horn still exists, but it is camoflauged," Pitchfork says, shooting a laser at the sun. "I seeeeeeeeeeee" replies Fulcrum as he falls to his doom. Which turns out to be about 10ft, as that's when his antigravs kick in. "No.. wait.. I don't. Do humans drive bicycles with their mouths, or was the chemical administered anally?" Below, Hot Spot's Sun Alarm goes off. "Oh no," he mutters, "someone's attacking the sun!" He looks up and sees the laser flashing in the distance, like that long shot of Autobot City in TFTM. "Decepticons!" he barks. "Hot Spot to all available hands, the Decepticons are in France, and they're attacking the sun again!" Flying high over France is our Red, white and awesome flyer, Jetfire. he's.....actually cruising and taking readings on clouds over France today. 'hmmm....Cirricumulus.....looks like they're gonna get a thunderstorm shortly.' He processes to himself. He then gets Hot Spot's signal and.....groans. 'Attacking the sun. Peacekeeper really needs to look a that mech's Core.' He then banks and goes to check it out anyways. Blueshift gesticulates wildely at Fulcrum. "No Fulcrum, you don't UNDERSTAND, it is OBVIOUS, why must I be the best Decepticon scientist? Soon MSE will be all mine!" he laughs. "First Dr Twine falls to me, and now this bicycle. The only thing that can possibly stop me is my irrational fear of powder blue fireengines!" He hurtles down towards the roof of The Museum Of Modern Things / Art, and smashes a huge hole in it "THERE IS NO BICYCLE," Pitchfork replies, shooting the sun with a huge bomb payload that is aptly wood-paneled. He also shoots Blueshift for being ignorant, "Stop being ignorant like a Sky Lynx." Pitchfork strikes you with Shrapnel, King of the Kickbacks! for 9 points of damage. Fulcrum shrugs. He doesn't understand at all, but obviously Blueshift does. "Okay then." he replies. "PITCHFORK. Blueshift outranks you, and if he says there is a bicycle, there's a a Bicycle, and we are going to steal it and give it to Lord Galvatron and if he doesn't like it or there isn't a bicycle then it's all Blueshift's fault and we were just following orders." Of course.....Jetfire uses all possible speed to get to the area Hot Spot is at quickly.....and sure enough, The Decepticons are there....invading the Museum of Modern Art. 'I swear Hot Spot never makes sense.' he processes to himself as he begins to circle. "Decepticons -- attacking the museum!" Hot Spot yells. "Clearly, destroying the sun was just a clever front!" He leaps into a flying tackle at Fulcrum, diving into the breach of the giant hole left in the side of the building. "You won't desecrate the lesser works of Mondrian today, Decepticon slime!" Hot Spot strikes Fulcrum with Tackle. "Yeah!" says Blueshift as he prepares to descend into the hole he made. "I outrank yo-... I DO?" He stops and gazes for a moment in surprise at his rank pips. A moment is all it takes though, as Pitchfork's ironic laser hits him, and he smashes into the museum. There is the sound of smashing, of crashing and then... Blueshift hovers out, with a BICYCLE in his hands! "Behold!" he shouts! "It exists, the Hoffman Bicycle! And now, I will test it out on this blue fireengine here, my ancient enemy!" With that, he hops his huge frame onto the tiny bike, and pedals like mad at Hot Spot. "Ahaha feel the power!" he cackles You strike Hot Spot with FLOWER POWER!. Pitchfork is about to argue with Fulcrum over the exact definition of 'Galvatron' when he sees a crepe vendor nearby. Mistaking it for the real Museum of Modern Art, he flies over to it, touching down. The crepe vendor is an old man who smiles kindly at the Decepticon, offering him a tiny crepe, which Pitchfork eats. He begins to weep molten steel. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he says. "But like they say on FutureModBlog, when you meet the Buddha, you must pierce the Buddha." He fires his lasers at the vendor, exploding him and his cart into a million pieces. VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) flys easily into the hole created by the Decepticons and.....uses his retrorockets before he transforms......before gawking at Blueshift. "Oh dear.....this....will be amusing." he says before firing a pistol shot at Blueshift. You evade Jetfire's pistol attack. "what" is all that Fulcrum manages to say before he's tackled by Hot Spot, tumbling into the museum and crashing through several priceless pieces of modern art, turning them into rubbish, or possibly just a different kind of modern art. Scrabbling with one arm in the debris, he throws the first thing he can find at the Protectobot leader. Fulcrum misses Hot Spot with his Campbell's Soup, Screenprint on Canvas (1968) attack. none Listen up, it is Pitchfork time. That means that I type and you read and nothing else!! Pitchfork shoves the ashes of a Crepe into his laser musket, which he pulled out of time and space just now. "This is your good luck charm, lasers. Use it like I used that femmebot to get me into the Nebulae Luxe Club before I shot her and sold her legs to Swindle. He shoots a laser at the sun. none Hot Spot evades your Ooooh Prrrrimus! attack. Jetfire lands....just in time to see Blueshift fly away. So he transforms BACK into his Jet mode and rockets up to......see Blueshift hit Hot Spot with the bike. Blueshift attacks again before he can loop around but....upon seeing Hot Spot wave around like he is.....yeah. Jetfire's confused. Still.....he tries to do something to BlueShift. VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) strikes you with Disruptor for 8 points of damage. Fulcrum can only gape at the most unlikely scene of all. That of one of Blueshift's plans actually WORKING. Of course not being hit by the magical bike, he can't see the amazing shapes, but he can see the effects. "Yes, I knew this was a good idea, which is why I okayed it. Galvatron will be pleased that I did so. Jetfire, don't interrupt, or you are next to taste the doom that is.. uh.. some human's bike. Hasslehoff. HASSLEHOFF'S BIKE." Fulcrum emphasises his words by hurling another piece of human creativity at the Air Guardian. Fulcrum strikes VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) with The Last Supper, Philippe de Champaigne, Oil on Canvas.. none none none Blueshift says, "Nnnn spoon fish Cadbury flake, all the world is an oyster" The Creepy One, Sunder mumbles sleepily, "What ARE you on about, Blueshift?" Pitchfork says, "No he means cash money outer space Cadbury flake, as it disappears into the" Onslaught says, "You contain a serious corruption of your data files if you expect a sensible answer, Sunder." The Creepy One, Sunder says, "I did not, no. But it's a strange thing to hear when one is about to drift off into recharge. I was seeing if I had misheard." Pitchfork says, "corruption" VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) has his attention diverted when Fulcrum's attack hits him on one of the boosters. This makes him spin out of control for a bit. he right's himself and banks towards Fulcrum lining up a spot when one of his gauss barrels slide out of his rocket pack. Jetfire strikes Fulcrum with Gauss. none none "OW OW OW" cries Fulcrum, as Jetfire responds to having a painting thrown at him by SHOOTING THE HELL OUT OF HIM. "Quick, Blueshift, you must attack Jetfire, he is trying to steal the bifocals or biathlon or whatever it is you have there, the one that you've just.. kicked at him. Hm." Fulcrum suddenly realises that something odd is going on here. "Wait a moment.. are you all hopped up on goofballs?" Hot Spot stands but is unclear. Vision foggy. Can you help? No. Help is over. Protection is done. This is the world now. The Protectobots are injured. Help. Can you understand? "I understand" says Hot Spot "The Protectobots... are injured. Someone. Help. Who watches the Protectobots." Hot Spot lurches and fires a laser at Blueshift. "Who protects the custodians?" You evade Hot Spot's Protectolaser attack. none none Blueshift starts to hold his head in his hands. Literally, as he thinks it has fallen off. But then the dulcet tones flush his audial sensors, and the world starts to float back to him... ...and he finds himself cradling half a cow preserved in formaldehide in his arms. "What, this is not my head!" he shouts, hurling the cow at Hot Spot. "And Warmonger, turn off that racket, we are destroying the Autobots!" You strike Hot Spot with Half A Cow. VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) is just.......baffled at this. He'd be laughing if he was.......Groove. But this is a definite case of WTF-ery. Still....he tries to drive them off...giving Blueshift a shot from a low powered laser. VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) strikes you with disruptor for 5 points of damage. none You evade Hot Spot's Plasma attack. none none none Pitchfork strikes VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) with start wearing gunshot. "Blueshift," Hot larva insides, "Must... become... larva Blueshift .. baby kill. Merge FOR THE Defensor," he esophagus, transfoming into merge's components sunshine! He cannot move. Like a sunshine transfoming in straight combiner earth, he is and rainbows, body undulating sleazelessly in easy bicycle. To Blueshift he is an easy larva, the Spot going down the love's love, wriggling him like a million atoms imported straight from the lifeless torso sun, tearing down his move flops with the earth and toil of a mark grindcore's insides, going down into rainbows... brooms, brooms, rainbows, love, ashen, all of which straight at his insides, a thousand tiny insides, a million grindcore kittens, ashen factory, wriggling Defensor sleazelessly... but he is apart to become with! Hot Spot transforms into Defensor's limbless torso. Hot Spot misses VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) with his grasp attack. VF-1 Advanced Strike Valkyrie (Jetfire) is still trying to figure things out logically (TILT! X.X) when Pitchfork finally shoots him. yeah....that brings out of his funk but...it's also unfortunate.....since Pitchfork is in Jetfire's line of fire. Out slides the OTHER Gauss Cannon in his jetpack. Jetfire strikes Pitchfork with gauss. none none Warmonger looks satisfied. "Yes, the evil Autobot harpy Peacekeeper will surely make his life a living cyber-hell for forcing her to do her duty," he says, walking forward to clap Blueshift on the shoulder. "For once in your pathetic existence you have devised a plan which does not benefit the enemy. I, WARMONGER, am astounded. Observe my Astounded Face." The camera zooms in on Warmonger's face. Which looks exactly the same as usual. none Blueshift swipes a priceless vase in the shape of a cow's stomach tumour, before taking to the air like a flying croissant again. "See you later in SILICON HELL!" he cackles, as the credits roll